Listening is powerful.
Listening heals.
Listening connects.
It isn’t enough to listen to our children,
they need to feel heard.
They need to feel understood.
Listening earnestly
- full attention, active listening, empathy -
is the cornerstone of peaceful parenting.
This became clear to me when one day I asked my oldest what makes him feel most loved,
and he answered,
“when you listen to me."
Sometimes it is easy to listen in earnest -
the excitement of a sports game,
what they learned that day,
what they are looking forward to, etc.
Sometimes it is harder to listen in earnest -
when they are arguing,
when they are upset but don't have the words,
when they are frustrated, etc.
And sometimes we need to listen to what is being communicated behind the words,
behind the sulk,
behind the defiance.
Although it isn’t always easy to listen earnestly,
listening is like most things in life -
practice makes it easier.
And we are given a multitude of opportunities to practice every day.
When our child doesn’t want to get up out of bed.
When our child is upset that we gave him the wrong breakfast (or on the wrong dish or with the wrong drink or cup, etc).
When our child is lamenting a test.
When our child didn’t make the team.
When our child’s teacher was “mean to” her.
When our child’s friend is “ignoring” him.
When our child is excited about a game.
When our child is frustrated about a coach.
When our child is upset with something we did or didn’t do.
When our child shares what happened that day.
When our child is silent.
And listening isn’t just about being physically present and nodding, it is about listening to the point where the other person feels heard.
Feeling heard is pivotal in all relationships.
It takes practice and patience to listen in a way that makes the other person feel heard.
And there are a lot of things that interfere with the ability to listen that way.
Distractions,
busy-ness,
stress,
hard feelings,
anger,
anxiety
can all interfere with our ability to listen.
It can be difficult to resist the temptation to say, "in a minute."
Honestly, I thought I was a good listener and that I listened to my kids when they were younger,
but now I realize that I was often just waiting for my turn to talk.
And often my “talking” was a correction, mini-lecture, and/or telling them what to do.
I had to learn to hear my children and not just wait for my turn to talk.
Twelve years into this peaceful parenting journey, and it can still be challenging to listen and not give my opinion or advice unless asked.
But, when I do resist the urge to give unsolicited opinions or advice, I am given the gift of getting to know my children better.
Why is listening so important?
For one thing, when we listen to our young children share their thoughts and interests,
we are creating the openness of communication that will allow them to talk to us about the bigger things when they are older.
And when we listen to our older children talk about their concerns,
we are setting the stage for communication when life’s major struggles show up.
Another thing is that when we listen to our children, they are more likely to listen to us.
It can change the whole tone of a conversation when our child feels heard.
And feeling heard increases connection,
and that connection facilitates cooperation.
For me, it came to a point where I realized that if my children weren’t listening to me, it was my cue to start listening more closely to them -
show interest in what they are doing/playing,
ask their opinions on things,
actively listen.
It was kind of like magic -
when I started listening to them,
they suddenly started listening to me.
As Pope Francis has said, “Listening is the root of peace.”
And, finally, listening to another person is a gift.
Even if we don't quite get it, just trying to hear and understand is a gift to others.
Listening earnestly when a loved one talks is a simple way to show that we love and care for them.
Of course, simple does not mean easy.
It's really hard to listen without judgment or trying to solve or influence.
But it is such a gift to someone to listen to them in earnest.
It really does feel good to be heard, to have someone listen with interest.
And I know that it can be hard to stop what we are doing in order to listen to the description of a LEGO creation or a drawing
or to be given a tour of a Minecraft world or a play kitchen.
It can be hard to empathize with frustration about a missed assignment or missed goal.
It can be hard to take the time to stop and earnestly listen until our child feels heard.
But it is worth it.
It is worth it to stop and to listen to our children.
It is respect.
It is connection.
It is an investment.
It is an opportunity to show them that they are loved, valued, and that what the they do/think/say is important.
It is an opportunity to love.
And isn’t love what we are called by God to do?
May Christ’s Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕