"He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and he who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for my sake will find it." - Matthew 10:37-39
This passage means that we are being called to love Christ more than we love our parents, children, and our own lives.
Loving Christ like this means following Him and doing what He does: taking up the burdens of others.
How does this relate to peaceful parenting?
If we love our children as Christ loves us, we can more easily help them when they are having a hard time.
If we see our children as Christ sees them, we can view ‘mis’behaviors as times when our children need us to help carry their burdens.
What might that look like?
Let’s start with what it doesn’t look like…
It doesn’t look like “giving in” and buying our child candy when they throw a tantrum in the store because they want candy.
It doesn’t look like laughing it off when our child hits another child on the playground.
It doesn’t look like pretending nothing happened when our child lied about something.
So, what might it look like to love Christ more than we love our children so that we can love our children more like Christ loves them? And how can we help them carry their burdens?
It might look like seeing that the tantrum in the store is not about the candy.
It is looking at the big picture and realizing that our child is tired and hot and had not eaten in a while.
It is realizing that our child has a backlog of big feelings that need to be offloaded.
It is getting down to the child’s level and taking up the burden of the big emotions through empathy.
Maybe that looks like a gentle hand on their back while acknowledging the disappointment, “I hear how disappointed you are that you can’t have the candy right now. You really wanted it, and it is so hard to wait, isn’t it?”
It might look like being considerate of others while also allowing the offload. “Let’s move over here so that I can help you and others can still shop.”
It might look like going to our child who hit the other on the playground (after making sure the other kiddo was okay), getting down to his level, gently putting a hand on his shoulder and (if the kiddo is able to express himself vocally with words) saying something like, “whoa, buddy, you must be pretty upset to have hit that kiddo. What’s up?”
We can help him through the situation that led to the hit, and we can talk about how it is okay to be upset but not okay to hit.
We can problem solve with him what to do next, guiding the conversation toward making amends.
If the kiddo is younger, we can still empathize with the feelings of upset/frustration, and we can still let the kiddo know that it is not okay to hit.
Then we can set the situation up so that we can help with conflict resolution quicker if tensions build again.
It might look like going to our teen who lied, sitting near her, and saying something like, “It’s not like you to lie. I’m wondering what’s going on that you thought you couldn’t be truthful.”
We can earnestly listen to her without interrupting, without lecturing.
We can ask questions that lead to reflection.
We can help problem solve how to repair the situation, make amends, and be reconciled with whoever’s trust was broken and with our dear Lord.
In all three of these scenarios, we are helping our children by helping them carry their burdens, just as our dear Lord helps carry our burdens.
We are also facilitating learning and problem solving.
We are providing the scaffolding needed to help them now so that when we are not there, they will have the structure needed to handle situations in the future.
We are understanding that our children’s behavior is not about us.
It is about them, and their struggles.
We are called to be Christ’s hands and feet in this world.
We need to help our children carry their burdens, not add to those burdens.
Our children are not ours.
They are Christ’s,
and He has entrusted to us for a short time on this earth.
We need to love them as such.
May Christ’s Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕