The secret about not punishing is that....
you probably won’t even decide not to punish.
You'll just stop punishing.
Truly, you will probably realize that punishment isn’t necessary.
Personally, I didn’t consciously make a decision not to punish.
I was initially quite resistant to the idea, actually.
(And isn’t that how we humans are when faced with a new idea that doesn’t fit how we’ve been doing things?)
But, our dear, sweet Lord is so good and so patient and so generous with His grace.
For me, the decision not to punish/impose consequences naturally evolved.
(well, maybe it was more that the decision was divinely guided).
When I first discovered the idea of peaceful parenting, I adopted some peaceful parenting strategies (like active listening, empathy, figuring out the why behind behavior, connecting), but I didn’t consciously give up imposing consequences because I thought imposing consequences would still be necessary, especially for my ‘strong-willed’ son.
When I read about not punishing, I had frantic thoughts like, “what do I replace punishment with? What if they disobey? There has to be consequences! They can't just get away with it!"
It was scary to think of parenting without an arsenal of consequences (spankings, time-outs, restrictions, etc).
But, clearly, punishments and consequences weren't working in our home, and I was edgy and stressed.
This was NOT how I envisioned parenting to be.
Things changed when I had the grace-filled epiphany that kids don't want to be naughty.
Kids don’t want us to be upset with them.
They don’t.
They want to feel connected and in harmony with us.
Even when my oldest seemed to get great joy out of pushing my buttons, he did not want to be naughty.
So, why was he pushing my buttons?
He wanted to be heard and respected.
He wanted help dealing with huge emotions that, quite frankly, scared the dickens out of him.
But, instead of respecting and helping him, I was alienating him through 'consequences.'
Once I began to look at him as a whole person and not as a half person who needed to be shaped and changed, I was able to treat him with respect.
I was able to treat him as the Child of God he was.
I began treating him like I would treat anyone I respected (my husband, my parents, my friends, my colleagues).
That, in and of itself, made a huge difference in my son’s behavior.
I noticed that when I stopped barking orders and bossing him around (which I didn't do to anyone else but my kids!), he began behaving better!
What a grace-filled gift from God moment that realization was!
The more I used empathy and began consciously making an effort to speak to my kids with respect, and the more I facilitated cooperation, the more things improved.
I began seeing that punishing misbehavior is not necessary when misbehavior is viewed as a symptom of a bigger issue.
There is reason for every misbehavior. There is a need/desire of the heart that needs to be addressed.
Sometimes it takes some investigation to figure out what the heart's need/desire is, but it is always there and always needs to be addressed if we want lasting change.
I discovered that the heart issue was more easily and quickly resolved when I connected with my child before attempting to correct the behavior.
And I found that imposing consequences became unnecessary when I began facilitating cooperation by soliciting help in problem solving and began actively listening to thoughts, concerns, and ideas.
When I began listening earnestly to my child and empathizing with him, he felt heard and felt better.
And when he felt better, he was naturally more relaxed, joyful, and cooperative.
And, in turn, my heart and home became more peaceful.
In short, punishments/imposed consequences became a non-issue because the behaviors improved by addressing the why behind the behaviors.
Over time, the ‘misbehaviors’ all but disappeared.
As a result, the teenage years have been filled with love, respect, and harmony.
May Christ's Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕
