[I came to peaceful parenting a bit later in my parenting journey (when my boys were about 9 and 5), so I sometimes like to share scenarios and compare how I used to handle things to how I handle things now that I’ve discovered peaceful parenting. The following scenario was from 2014, about 2 years into our peaceful parenting journey.]
THE SITUATION: Tired boys who had a busy day, including football practice for my oldest.
The boys had been swimming about an hour.
They were cold, wet, and they needed to shower before bed.
The pool cover needed to be put on.
This was setting the stage for a meltdown and I knew it, but I asked my oldest if he'd put the cover on anyway.
He began to whine.
Then (pre-peaceful parenting): I would have been triggered by the whining, and the irritation would have increased.
Nagging or negotiating would have ensued.
My son's whining would have increased, which would have resulted in me threatening to take away privileges.
A major meltdown would have happened (and probably not just with my son!).
I'd be feeling terrible for having yelled and threatened.
He'd be feeling terrible for having been yelled at and threatened.
It would have been an awful night.
Now: Thankfully, whining is no longer a trigger for me.
Instead, I see it for what it is: communication.
My oldest's whining told me something was off with him - he was too tired or maybe he is coming down with something.
At any rate, he was off.
So, I said that it was no big deal; he should take a shower.
Then I asked the youngest to help with the pool cover (which he did, cheerfully).
Later in the evening, when getting ready to read, my oldest said to me, "I'm sorry I didn't help with the pool cover. Thanks for taking care of that for me."
Ah, a genuine apology followed by genuine gratitude!
What more could a mama ask for?!
So much better than the alternative.
And all I had to do was respect that he was tired and put on the pool cover myself.
No biggie.
But, if I had been triggered by the whining, I would have gotten caught up in my own big emotions.
I wouldn’t have been able to stay calm and see the behavior as communication.
-------------------------
2023 reflection: It is no small thing to tame one's triggers. It wouldn't be a trigger if we had control over it and if it wasn't something that needed healing and attention and prayer.
Some of us are privileged to have come from families where we didn't have a lot of trauma and didn't experience abuse. But, even in these types of families, we have hurts that need healing and attention and prayer. Our dear Lord so cleverly made it that our wonderful bodies give us hints about what needs healing, attention, and prayer; and feeling triggered is one of those hints. It is so good to take those triggers to our Lord in prayer, lay them at the foot of the cross, and ask the Lord what He wants us to know and understand about our triggers and their origins.
That said, some of us had complicated childhoods filled with excessive hurts, trauma, and/or abuse. In addition to prayer and deep reflection, additional support from mental health care professionals may be necessary in those situations. We should lean on all the supports our dear Lord makes available in order to heal those hurts and tame those triggers. Our Lord loves us so much, and He wants us to heal.
See my post on triggers for more on my own journey to tame my triggers: https://www.catholicpeacefulparent.com/post/triggers-what-are-they-what-does-it-mean-to-be-triggered-and-how-do-we-tame-them
May Christ's Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕