[I came to peaceful parenting a bit later in my parenting journey (when my boys were about 9 and 5), so I sometimes like to share scenarios and compare how I used to handle things to how I handle things now that I’ve discovered peaceful parenting. The following scenario was from March 2015, about 2.5 years or so into our peaceful parenting journey.]
Then, Almost Now, and Now post...
THE SITUATION: Bedtime last night, knowing I will need to wake the boys up early tomorrow because I have a training I need to be at, so they will be going to their grandparents’ house. I mention to the boys that we need to head to bed because we need to leave the house early. I tell them what time we need to leave and ask what time I should wake them. My 12 yo tells me a time. My 8 yo responds with "5 minutes before [his brother]." I head off to brush my teeth as an argument begins over who will shower first in the morning.
Then (pre-peaceful parenting): I always started off these kinds of situations with patience.
I’d be calm and okay for a certain amount of time, and then I'd lose it.
I'd start thinking about how I needed to get to bed and how I didn’t want to go to this training tomorrow, so that would get me a little crankier.
I'd get frustrated because we have 2 other showers, and they could shower at the same time!
I'd get crankier because they are being kind of wild - jumping from one bed to the other while arguing.
With the tension rising, I'd march to their room and say something like, "We have 2 other bathrooms. You can both shower at the same time tomorrow."
I would get protests about why they can't use the other showers, and I would dismiss all their reasons.
We would go back and forth about this with everyone digging in his or her heels about what they wanted, and me getting more and more frustrated since I just want to go to bed.
Eventually there would be tears, and I would just say who'd I wake first, and who knows how long it would take to get everyone settled down and asleep?! -sigh-
Almost Now (transitioning to peaceful parenting): Once I started my journey to change the way I was parenting, I had committed to not yelling, and I had acknowledged my triggers (I knew that if I felt my heart rate increasing and I was getting angry quickly, I needed to take a deep breath, say a little prayer, and help myself calm down before addressing the situation), so I was in a place where I could address situations like this without losing it.
I would have calmly (not fake calm, not gritting my teeth, pretending to be calm, but truly calmly) gone to the boys room and said something like, "I hear that you both want to be the first to take a shower tomorrow. How about if I wake you at the same time, and one of you could take a shower in one bathroom and the other in another?"
This would have led to objections as to why this wouldn't work (which I would have seen as unreasonable).
So, I would have thought of another great compromise, or I would have made suggestions on ways that they could decide who went first or who used which shower.
This probably would have eventually worked, but there would have still been some hard feelings and it would have taken a while.
Now (what did happen; 2.5 years into our peaceful parenting journey): When I started walking to their room, I was planning on giving a choice of both taking showers at the same time or doing rock, paper, scissors to decide who would shower first.
But, as I walked, I remembered that they are capable of deciding this themselves.
They just need me to actively listen to them to help them hear each other.
So I walked in the room:
Me (resisting the urge to offer solutions): Sounds like you both want to be the first to take a shower tomorrow, eh? How can we solve this?
12 yo: [8 yo]’s showers take too long!
8 yo: I promise I will take a really quick one.
12 yo: Really? Well, if you are going to take a quick one, you can go first.
8 yo: Okay!
Me (flabbergasted that this went so easily and so quickly): All right, then. I will wake [8yo] first, and when he is done, I'll wake [12 yo].
Boys: Okay! (off to brush teeth and cuddle up for our read-aloud)
Learning to trust that they can work things out and find compromise has made life a lot easier for everyone.
Trusting them with the little decisions will pay off in the future when they have big decisions to make.
Knowing that I value their thoughts and trust their abilities to make decisions and to problem solve will serve them well I think.
———————-
2023 Reflection: Kids learn to problem solve by problem solving. It can be hard to figure out how much direction and help to give them when you first step back and let them figure out solutions on their own.
Coaching them through initially can be exhausting, too.
But, as you can see from the ‘Now’ part of this post, it gets easier (sometimes surprisingly easy!) They will get better at solving their problems. They will need less help from us. We need to trust them.
One thing key thing that makes all of this easier to navigate is to remember to pray before walking into the room to help with problem solving. The Lord is with us and eager to calm our hearts and guide our words. We need to trust Him, too.
May Christ’s Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕