Then & Now....Blame
[I came to peaceful parenting a bit later in my parenting journey (when my boys were about 9 and 5), so I sometimes like to share scenarios and compare how I used to handle things to how I handle things now that I’ve discovered peaceful parenting. The following scenario was from August 2016, about 4 years or so into our peaceful parenting journey.]
THE SCENARIO: The boys (ages 13 and 9) are sword fighting with foam swords. The 13 yo just swung at the 9 yo, who blocked the hit with his own sword and then ended up falling pretty hard to the ground.
Then (pre-peaceful parenting): Prior to peaceful parenting, I just wasn't all that mindful about how my words and my tone were internalized by my boys.
My oldest was a 'strong-willed' kiddo who I felt needed help accepting responsibility for his actions.
So, we were often trying to get him to see his part in things and to see how his actions affected others.
I didn't understand the importance of connection before communication, so I was correcting him near constantly, and it really took a toll on our relationship.
If I hadn't changed my parenting style, I'm certain the above scenario would have gone something like this:
Me: "9 yo - are you okay?! 13 yo - you can't hit him so hard! You are really strong now, and you have to be more careful!"
13 yo: "It's not my fault! He fell on his own! I didn't do anything!"
Me: "You swung at him really hard; I saw it. You need to be more careful!"
More than likely, the 9 yo would have blamed his brother for it, too.
If there were tears, surely my husband would have interjected with, "that's it! There's crying! Game over!"
The 13 yo would have either gotten very upset and yelled or completely shut down and retreated to his room.
Now (what did happen; 4 years into our peaceful parenting journey): A few years ago I made a conscious effort to help the boys with conflict resolution instead of being a referee that decided fault.
When they had conflicts,
I began empathizing and listening to both sides,
restating their issues,
stating the problem,
and then facilitating problem solving together.
Over time, the boys became quite proficient at problem solving without my help.
Today was no different - as soon as the 9 yo fell, the 13 yo went directly to the 9 yo and compassionately asked if he was okay and reached a hand to help him up.
The 13 yo asked for clarification of what happened, "Did I hit you too hard, or did you trip over something?"
The 9 yo replied that he had lost his balance after the block and then slipped.
Play then resumed.
And now, as I finish writing this, they have finished the sword fight (apparently the 9 yo won) and are now discussing what to play next.
Part of me is amazed that rough-housing can actually end without the youngest crying.
The me of 5 years ago never would have believed it!
Taking blame out of my interactions with my oldest has made a world of difference when it comes to conflicts or potential conflicts.
He just doesn't feel defensive anymore,
and that allows him to be so much more open and compassionate.
And when he makes mistakes,
he owns them,
apologizes,
and makes amends.
——————-
2023 Reflection
In last week’s post (Then & Now - Bedtime Problem Solving, which happened 1.5 years before the events in this post), I had speculated, “Knowing that I value their thoughts and trust their abilities to make decisions and to problem solve will serve them well I think.”
This post demonstrates that past me was right about that. By this time in our parenting journey, we no longer needed to referee or even coach conflict resolution. The boys were adept at resolving things on their own.
I didn’t know for certain that the efforts I had been making earlier (taking time to listen earnestly to both sides, empathizing, reflecting, facilitating problem solving, etc) would pay off.
But I trusted what God had put on my heart.
I was receptive to it.
By the grace of God, I was open to change and willing to give it a true effort.
God gives us the grace to change.
Our hearts cannot change without that grace.
But, we need to be receptive to it.
Our hearts need to be open to receive the grace God grants us.
And what we do with that grace is our gift back to God.
May Christ’s Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕
