[I came to peaceful parenting a bit later in my parenting journey (when my boys were about 9 and 5), so I sometimes like to share scenarios and compare how I used to handle things to how I handle things now that I’ve discovered peaceful parenting. The following scenario was from 2014, about 2 years or so into our peaceful parenting journey.]
THE SITUATION: The boys returned from riding their bikes to their grandparents. The 7 yo barged in the house, slammed the door, headed straight to his room, and locked the door. The 11 yo came in saying, "If he doesn't listen to me, he isn't allowed to ride to [their grandparents] with me anymore!"
Then (pre-peaceful parenting): I probably would have started off by asking my 11 yo what happened.
As he relayed the story, I would have interrupted with things like, "What did you do that made him do that?"
"Why didn't you just stop for him?"
"You mean you couldn't have turned out of the way and prevented the collision?"
You get the picture.
This would have escalated because he would have gotten defensive.
He probably would have ended up shouting at me and me him.
And with the 7 yo, I would have tried the door knob.
When he didn't open, I would have gotten irritated and insisted.
If he still didn't open, I would have unlocked it myself and gone in there.
I would have asked him what was wrong.
When he didn't answer, I would have said something like, "I can't help you if you don't tell me what happened."
Then I would have asked a bunch of questions, which would have led to him clamming up more and getting upset with me.
It likely would have ended with him shouting at me.
Now (what did happen; 2 years into our peaceful parenting journey): I calmly asked the 11 yo what happened. He relayed the story.
I didn't interrupt.
At all (very hard for me!).
At one point, he mentioned what he could have done differently to have prevented the escalation on the ride home (I was shocked! This is a boy that is very good at seeing what others could have done differently, but he doesn't usually have that kind of insight for his own actions). When he was done, I assured him that I would talk to the 7 yo. He thanked me.
I then went to the 7 yo’s room, which was locked.
I knocked gently and asked if I could come in.
There was no answer, but I soon saw the lock unlock.
I knocked again and walked in.
He was buried under the covers.
I asked if I could join him.
He gave me a huge hug. I didn't let go first (I try to never be the one to let go first; you never know how long a hug a kiddo needs).
When he finally let go, I started off asking about his visit with his grandparents. He talked about it a while.
I then asked if he wanted to talk about the bike ride home.
He hugged me tight and shook his head 'no.'
We laid there a bit longer, and then he cheerfully said, "I'm ready to get up now!" and off he went to play with his brother.
There are some issues that happened on the bike ride that I did want to talk to them both about before their next bike ride, but I waited until bedtime because I knew the connection was more important than the correction at that time.
And it was so important that I connected with my 11 yo by listening intently because being listened to is what makes him feel loved.
And it was important that I connected with my 7 yo through hugs and snuggles (and not try to force him to talk) because snuggles are what make him feel loved.
If I had hugged the 11 yo and insisted that the 7 yo talk, neither would have felt connected and loved.
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2023 Reflection: Connection (and reconnection) is a big part of resolving conflicts in families. It's important to know how to most effectively connect/reconnect with our kiddos in order to help them navigate big feelings.
God gives us little bits of grace every day. Some days He grants us big graces! Getting the nudge to ask my children what makes them feel most loved was one of those big graces.
Sure, if I really thought about it, I probably could have figured out that my older son needed me to listen to him well and that my younger son felt loved when we snuggled.
But there was so much clarity when I asked my boys how I could love them better and at a later date asked the question (which I like better), “When do you feel most loved by me?”
My oldest answered, “when you listen to me.”
My youngest answered, “when you cuddle with me.”
I highly recommend asking your kiddos when they feel most loved by you. And, once you have that answer, do more of that.
May Christ’s Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕