[I came to peaceful parenting a bit later in my parenting journey (when my boys were about 9 and 5), so I sometimes like to share scenarios and compare how I used to handle things to how I handle things now that I’ve discovered peaceful parenting.]
The following is from 2013 (about 1 year into my peaceful parenting journey)...
THE SCENARIO: My oldest had a meltdown because it was Tuesday and not Wednesday.
He was certain that it was Wednesday, and he was distraught that it was Tuesday.
Then (pre-peaceful parenting): I would have had no patience for that meltdown because I would have seen it as ridiculous (maybe even manipulative).
I would have likely gone through the events of the past few days to prove that it was Tuesday, and I would have gotten more an more upset with his insistence that it was Wednesday.
I would have engaged him and argued with him. More than likely, I would have told him he was being ridiculous and that this was a silly thing to be upset over and that I didn't have control over time, etc.
I would have insisted he just go to sleep because he was just tired. That would not have gone over well (because the worst thing you can tell a tired boy who has lost it is that he is tired).
I probably would have been so exasperated that I would have left the room in a huff. And both of us would have had a rough night.
Now (about 1 year in to our peaceful parenting journey): This incident was on the heels of me asking how I could love him better, so paying attention was a priority for me. He had answered that question by telling me that I could pay more attention when he talks.
At first I didn't say anything;
I just let him talk/cry.
I was trying to figure out what the heart issue was because I knew he didn't really expect me to fast forward time.
Was he really that upset about being wrong?!
I ended empathizing about the disappointment of thinking it is one day but having it turn out to be another.
But that didn't help him calm.
He kept talking, and it gradually became clear that he is very excited about all of the family coming into town and all the family activities that are in store. He has been kind of biding his time waiting for the weekend. So, he thought he was one day closer than he was.
He eventually calmed down, looked at the iPad to verify the day, and we were able to talk about upcoming events that will make the next couple of days bearable.
It is the conversation that occurred in the aftermath that was so profound that I would have missed had I just dismissed his fit and wrote it off as him being tired...
Once he was calm, my son began talking about how important family is and how much he was looking forward the upcoming week because he loves spending time with family.
Then he did some self-reflection about his meltdown.
Without prompting from me, without lecture or shaming, he reflected that it was pretty silly to get so upset about what day it was. And he acknowledged that his nose was all stuffy and his head hurt because he had had a meltdown and that could have been avoided.
He's always had such big emotions that are difficult for him to deal with. I really think he feels things more intensely than the average person.
It's my job to give him a safe place to learn to deal with his emotions.
I so wish I had parented him differently when he was little.
But I am so glad that I parent him this way now.
What a gift!
I could have gone to bed upset with him, disappointed in him;
but instead,
I went to bed proud of him with deep gratitude for his love of family and knowing what is important during this Christmas Season.
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This post demonstrates how good our dear Lord is.
I hadn't been practicing peacefully parenting that long, and the empathy, active listening, and patience had not yet become my default.
In those early years especially, I often didn't know what to say or do, and I would pray a little prayer for God to guide my words.
And it was by the grace of God that I was able to remain calm, present, and empathic, andand that I had the patience to listen and allow my boy to reflect.
May Christ’s Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕