A Then and Now post in which the now contains quite a few peaceful parenting 'failures' despite having committed fully to peaceful parenting for 2 years.
<Every moment is an opportunity to choose love and peace. Even if we were not peaceful in the previous 10 situations, this very moment is another opportunity to choose to be peaceful. Even when it feels like the day is set up for failure, we still have opportunities to choose; and our choices can make things worse or make things better.>
THE SCENARIO: Our boys (ages 7 and 11) had been up in the mountains with my in-laws for 2 weeks having a blast with their cousins and grandparents. My husband and I drove the 6 hours up there on Friday to retrieve them, and we drove home on Sunday.
Saturday was a great day of fun, nature's beauty, and relaxation, until I experienced the effects of food poisoning that night.
I was still feeling pretty lousy Sunday morning and had a pounding headache from dehydration and no coffee (I didn't want to upset my belly). We had a long trip ahead of us with two tired boys, an anxious dog (long car trips make him anxious), and a chicken (yes, we brought the chicken on vacation) down a curvy road with one child who has a tendency to get car sick. My stomach was still not feeling well, but at least I hadn't vomited in 12 hours, so we set sail.
Things went surprisingly well for the first 3/4 of the trip, at which time there was a bit of a hiccup between the boys with some tears but not long-lasting (my husband actually peacefully resolved it even though crying is a trigger for him. Yay!). Things came to a head very near the end of the trip (which also included a 2-hour stop-over at my brother's, so we were now 8 hours into this trip) when we stopped by the house where my husband’s truck was so that he could pick it up.
I opened my door and the dog was going to follow me out. My youngest held the dog's collar and wouldn't let him go. Knowing the dog would run straight to the door, I told my son to let go of the collar.
He didn't.
I shouted the command (peaceful parenting fail!).
Then my husband shouted the command.
Then my oldest joined in.
My youngest's arm looked like it was going to break if he didn't let go as it was positioned over the seat and the dog weighs as much as he does, so I physically unlatched his fingers from the collar and the dog jumped out.
There was then some more yelling due to tensions that had been building all day combined with the trigger of fear, including some hurtful exaggerations (major peaceful parenting fail).
My son looked devastated.
I went to give him a hug, and he completely pulled away (this is my snuggle-bug boy who loves affection) and began sobbing.
Then (before peaceful parenting): (To be honest, before peaceful parenting we would not have made it this far into this trip (with me feeling this lousy) before things fell apart. Things would have fallen apart within the first hour...)
But, if we had made it this far, things probably might have gone down something like this:
Following the yelling, I would have tried to explain to my son that we were just afraid he was going to get hurt if he didn't let go of the dog, and I knew the dog was going to be fine.
My boy would have cried harder.
As we drove the rest of the way home, he would have continued to sob, and my older son would have gotten so irritated with the sound that he would have started telling him to be quiet.
I probably would have told my youngest, "That's enough crying now."
Of course my youngest would have continued crying, and then my oldest would probably have started shouting at the younger to be quiet. He may have even then hit my youngest, which would have led to me losing my cool.
At the very least, I probably would have shouted at my oldest.
The three of us would have been crying by the time we reached the house.
By the end of the night, I know I would have just been begging for bed because, before peaceful parenting, these things were not resolved before bed.
The only 're-set' was a good night's sleep and for morning to come.
Pre-peaceful parenting, there were no apologies by my husband or me.
There was no way for my kids to work through their feelings. They would have just internalized them.
We'd start anew in the morning.
But, that didn’t happen!
.
.
.
Now (2 years into our peaceful parenting journey):
Here was my opportunity to choose to be peaceful.
I had to stop focusing on my head and my stomach and my desire to just get to bed.
I had to choose to be focused on my kids for the duration (~20 min) of the trip.
Since my son withdrew, I knew I shouldn't force a hug, so I got in the car and started driving the rest of the way home.
My oldest did start complaining about the sounds my youngest was making, and he accused him of faking it.
I explained to my oldest that it was okay for the youngest to be sad and to get those big feelings out.
I explained that he probably had a backlog of feelings.
My oldest: “But he almost killed (the dog). He was choking him."
Me: "I know that you were afraid he'd hurt (the dog). He was afraid if he'd let go, (the dog) would run into the road and get hurt. I should have gently explained to him that I was 100% positive that (the dog) would go straight to the door. I should not have yelled at him. Daddy should not have yelled at him."
My youngest continued to sob a bit, and my oldest began saying, "He needs to stop. I feel like I am going to hit him if he doesn't stop!"
Me: "It is okay for you to be frustrated with his crying. You can get upset, too. You know that hitting him will make things worse, though. So, you need to make a different choice."
My oldest: "Like what? I feel like I can't help it."
Me: "You can't control your feelings, but you can control your actions. You can hit the side of the car. Or you can shout. But you cannot hit your brother."
My oldest: "But hitting the car won't help me. I'll still want to hit him!"
Me: "You haven't tried. You don't know if it will help."
My oldest <hitting side of car>: “Ow! It didn't help."
Me: "At least you tried first."
<silence>
My oldest: "He's asleep."
When we got home, my oldest was no longer upset and was very helpful with unloading the car.
My youngest woke up but was still sad and remained in the car while it was unloaded.
I came back and sat next to him as I untangled the DVD cords. I apologized for yelling at him about the dog. I explained my point of view but told him that I should have asked him nicely and explained myself instead of yelling at him.
Then I asked if he wanted a hug.
He did.
So we hugged for a moment and then went inside.
The rest of the night was peaceful.
———-
2024 Reflection…
One thing that stands out for me as I reflect on this incident was how I just tried to muscle through on my own.
I wonder how much grief I would have saved all of us had I taken a moment to pray.
A short, “Come Holy Spirit, please guide all my words, thoughts, and actions” would have prevented my yelling and likely would have allowed me to address people’s hearts.
There were so many factors that made that homecoming the perfect storm: me feeling unwell, the long drive, the anxious dog, my husband and me triggered by fear and children crying, fatigue, stress of being home and back to reality, etc.
It’s in those times that peaceful parenting is the hardest, maybe even impossible.
And it is in those impossible times that we most need to lean on the Lord.
It is in those impossible times that we need to surrender.
We need to offer it up to the Lord and say, “Lord, I can’t handle this. Please, You take care of it.”
Or, from the Surrender Novena, “Oh Jesus, I surrender myself to You, take care of everything!”
May Christ’s Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕
[I came to peaceful parenting a bit later in my parenting journey (when my boys were about 9 and 5), so I sometimes like to share scenarios and compare how I used to handle things to how I handle things now that I’ve discovered peaceful parenting. The scenario referenced in this post was from 2014, about 2 years into our peaceful parenting journey.]
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