THE SCENARIO: My 11 year old was very frustrated with an online computer course he was taking. He began to get very upset; so I calmly mentioned that maybe he should take a break, eat something, and come back to it later.
It was close to lunchtime, and I needed the computer for work, so I needed him off.
He chose to push forward and try to figure out the problem.
Then (pre-peaceful parenting):
In the past, this scenario would have been a recipe for disaster…
I was hungry,
I was pressed for time,
I was stressed because we had a lot to get done in a little amount of time.
My 11 year old was losing it.
And he was not listening to my advice.
More than likely, I would have repeated my request (that I was shouting from the other room).
More than likely, he would have disregarded it.
I would have then insisted that he get off, explaining the reasons. This would have added to his meltdown,
which certainly would have resulted in me yelling.
But, that's not what happened (Praise God!).
What did happen...
Now (about 2 years into our peaceful parenting journey):
I ended up going in the other room and saying a little prayer for wisdom and taking a deep breath.
Then I went to the room my son was in and squatted down next to him and said, "You are really frustrated with the computer, aren't you?"
He proceeded to explain all that had happened and that he didn’t know what went wrong.
He was distraught because all the work he had done was basically for naught.
So, I empathized, "Ugh, bud, I know that feeling. Nothing frustrates me more than problems with the computer. This stinks."
He described the problem more and started to calm a little.
So, I offered that we shut the program down, eat some lunch, and revisit it tomorrow.
His shoulders collapsed as he said, "But I'll have to do it all over again!"
I replied, "Yeah, it stinks."
I hugged him and asked what he thought.
He was calm by now and told me to go ahead and shut it down.
And then I made him lunch,
and it was over (until tomorrow at least).
It took me a little extra time and effort to go to him and work it through with him, but in the end,
there were no hard feelings,
no yelling,
no frustration with each other.
In the moment, I didn't want to empathize.
I didn't feel I had the time.
But the truth is, I ended up saving time by supporting my boy as he worked through his feelings rather than trying to get him to get over it and move on.
——————
2024 Reflection…
Two key things happened in the “now” version of this scenario.
Most importantly, I remembered to pray.
In praying, I was joining my will with the Lord’s will, I was admitting my smallness and need for the Lord’s help, and I was opening my heart to allow myself to be the Lord’s instrument in that moment.
Secondly, I realized that peaceful parenting techniques require a time investment, but it truly takes no more time than lecturing or punishing, especially when one adds in the time it takes to repair the relationship after parent with less compassion.
And, what I didn’t know at the time but I realized later, the time and effort I put in to empathize and listen was an investment. As teens, I didn’t have many conflicts with my sons, and the conflicts we did have were due to stress and anxiety (mine or theirs) and were quickly resolved because we could recognize the cause and help the other deal with the underlying cause.
May Christ’s Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕
[I came to peaceful parenting a bit later in my parenting journey (when my boys were about 9 and 5), so I sometimes like to share scenarios and compare how I used to handle things to how I handle things now that I’ve discovered peaceful parenting. The above scenario was from 2014, about 2 years into our peaceful parenting journey.]
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