The Scenario: My 16 year old son was having computer troubles and was getting frustrated (computer problems used to be quite a trigger for me - I tended to feel dumb and incompetent when dealing with them, and that led me to feel anxious and be short-tempered. I still don’t feel confident in my ability to solve computer problems, but I have tamed that trigger quite a bit).
Then (pre-peaceful parenting):
I would have asked my son what the problem was.
After he told me, I probably would have asked if he’d tried this or that.
He would have replied with frustration and anxiety that he had.
I would have likely asked what led to the problems, and, in finding out they occurred after he had downloaded something, I probably would have jumped to the conclusion that he’d downloaded a virus.
My anxiety would have increased, and I probably would have begun to lecture my boy.
That would have led to him pushing back/talking back and/or withdrawing.
I would have probably began scolding him by that point and maybe trying to take over figuring out what was wrong, which would have led to more anxiety and frustration for me.
My son would have probably insisted that I let him deal with it, and I likely would have left the room mumbling under my breath.
I would have returned to the room when I heard my boy either yelling at the computer or pounding around in there.
That would have led me to seeing red and yelling at him.
Certainly he would have yelled back.
I’m not sure what would have happened next, but I imagine we would have both felt pretty awful.
And the fact that we had people coming over shortly would have made the situation even worse and more stressful!
But, that didn’t happen. What happened instead…
Now (7 years into this peaceful parenting journey):
My son was getting frustrated because he had trouble downloading a new game.
He looked up solutions, and the solutions led to other problems.
He told me what happened,
and I listened earnestly.
I empathized,
and I asked questions that led to him venting his frustrations about the situation.
At that point I was able to let him know that I understood and that I wanted to help but that time restraints made that not possible.
I promised that I’d help him in the morning.
He was able to let it go for the night (which is quite significant because when he was younger, he was never able to let things go).
In the morning, my boy went to his computer to try to figure things out.
I went in and asked how things were going, and then I asked if he had tried a specific solution.
There was a wee bit of irritation in his voice when he said that he had,
so I figured that he needed my presence,
not my advice.
So, I just stayed present,
empathizing when he expressed frustration
and celebrating when he got things straightened out.
After things were fixed, I left and did my own thing.
About a half hour later, he came up to me, gave me a hug, and thanked me for helping him.
I said that I wasn’t much help,
and he remarked that just listening to him and being there was helpful.
Often when he has a dilemma or a problem, all he needs is for me to listen and be there for him. I can do that! 🥰
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2024 Reflection…
Honestly, parents, just being present and listening is often all our children need from us.
They don’t need our lectures.
They don’t need our advice.
They certainly don’t need our scolding.
They need our ear to hear them.
And, isn’t that the same for us a lot of the time?
And, what does God do with us?
He hears us.
He listens to our frustrations and the venting of our problems.
He doesn’t scold us.
He doesn’t lecture us.
He hears us.
And He invites us to lean on Him.
May Christ’s Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕
[I came to peaceful parenting a bit later in my parenting journey (when my boys were about 9 and 5), so I sometimes like to share scenarios and compare how I used to handle things to how I handle things now that I’ve discovered peaceful parenting. The above scenario was from 2019, about 7 years or so into our peaceful parenting journey.]