THE SCENARIO: My 7 yo was trying to explain how he wanted his pizza, but his 11 yo brother and I were not understanding him. My 7 yo dejectedly said, "No one ever understands me!" And he started to cry.
Then (pre-peaceful parenting):
I would have asked my 7 yo to repeat himself.
He would have refused.
I would have told him that I couldn’t help him if he didn’t tell me what he wanted.
I would have asked him to repeat himself so I could try harder to understand.
He would have refused and told me to leave him alone.
Then, I would have gotten frustrated.
My 11 yo would have likely called my 7 yo a baby, and he probably would have insisted that I just order what we usually get.
Surely, I would have told the 11 yo that he needn't butt in.
That would have upset my 11 yo,
which would have resulted in me becoming even more frustrated.
In my frustration, I probably would have called the whole thing off, and left the room mumbling under my breath that my kids were ingrates.
Results from letting frustration overtake me and not focusing on my boy’s heart:
Two upset boys.
One upset and frustrated mama.
And no pizza.
Thankfully that is not what happened.
What did happen…
.
.
.
Now (about 2 years into our peaceful parenting journey):
I did ask my 7 yo to repeat himself, and he did refuse.
I asked my 11 yo if he understood, and he said that he didn't and that I should just order what we usually do.
I tried to repeat back to my 7 yo what I thought he was wanting, but he insisted that he didn't want to talk about it. He was pretty upset.
So, I invited him into my lap and was trying to empathize, but he repeated that he didn't want to talk about it.
Then my 11 yo said that my 7 yo was crazy.
This was just the comment I needed because it gave me the opportunity to empathize with my 7 yo while talking to my 11 yo.
I said, "He's not crazy; he's just upset. I understand. I get upset when people don't understand what I say and I have to repeat myself."
Then I asked my 7 yo if he wanted to look at the choices on the computer and help me order so we could get it just right.
He said maybe, and we did.
Results from taking a few extra minutes to empathize:
Short-lived fit.
Boy who felt empathized with and understood.
And we all got pizza.
It could have been a bad night if I had chosen to act differently in that moment.
Thankfully I chose compassion over frustration.
———
2024 Reflection…
Staying focused on our children’s hearts is so important.
Harsh words and tone can hurt our kiddos and cause them to shut down.
Warmth and compassion invite them to trust us with their hearts.
I know that isn’t easy, especially with the stressors of life constantly upon us.
But, we can decrease that stress and improve our relationships with our children (and others!) by following the example of how our Lord deals with us.
How does the Lord approach us when we feel sad or misunderstood?
Does He get frustrated with us?
Does He throw up his hands and grumble about us being ungrateful?
Does He withdraw and withhold His love?
No.
Scripture tells us that the Lord is
patient
and gracious
and merciful.
(Psalms 86:15, 103:8, 145:8; 1 Timothy 1:16; 2 Peter 3:9)
And He calls us to be
patient
and kind
and merciful.
(Proverbs 11:17 and 15:18; Matthew 5:7; Luke 6:36; 1 Corinthians 13:4; Ephesians 4:2; Colossians 3:12)
So, let us answer that call by being patient and kind and merciful with our families!
May Christ’s Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕
[I came to peaceful parenting a bit later in my parenting journey (when my boys were about 9 and 5), so I sometimes like to share scenarios and compare how I used to handle things to how I handle things now that I’ve discovered peaceful parenting. The above scenario was from 2014, about 2 years into our peaceful parenting journey.]
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