[I came to peaceful parenting a bit later in my parenting journey (when my boys were about 9 and 5), so I sometimes like to share scenarios and compare how I used to handle things to how I handle things now that I’ve discovered peaceful parenting. The following scenario was from 2013, about 1 year into our peaceful parenting journey.]
THE SITUATION: Returning home from vacation is always difficult for me - not only am I usually tired and dehydrated from traveling, there is also the return-to-reality let-down and starting to think about the million things that need to get done at home and for work.
And kids compound that because they are also dealing with those same things (minus the million things to do). Everyone is raw, everyone is on the brink of a meltdown, and I used to just think that yelling and frustration were inevitable.
Then (pre-peaceful parenting): My breaking point would have come sometime between arriving home and leaving for 5pm Mass.
I might have yelled while unloading the car, or maybe when one child claimed he wasn't hungry for lunch, or maybe when they whined about taking a shower, or maybe when they whined about going to Church.
If we made it through all of that, I definitely would have lost it when the meltdown occurred later that night over the stalled DVD.
Now (one year in to transitioning to peaceful parenting): I didn't lose it. Even though all those things listed did happen (kiddo claiming not to be hungry, whining, and meltdown over the stalled DVD), I didn't yell or even shame...
Driving home, I knew several things:
we were all tired,
we were all dehydrated,
we were all hungry,
we were all disappointed that our trip had ended,
and I knew that when we got home we would all be very, very hot.
I also knew that we'd all be grumpy because of those things.
Since yelling and shaming are not what I want to do anymore, I knew I had to try to prevent things from getting to that point.
I came up with a plan for the rest of the afternoon.
I also knew that I did not want to set my kids up for failure.
I decided I would ask them for help but I wouldn't demand it.
I would give them choices, so they had some power.
I would try to prevent their meltdowns so that I could avoid mine.
So, how did it turn out?
Well, we did have one child melt down, but it did not occur until the end of the night, and it was due to the one thing I could not anticipate or try to control for: the DVD stalling.
But, the meltdown was short-lived, and we were able to work together to fix the situation.
And I did not lose it.
I went to bed with a feeling of peace.
Exhaustion, too; but peace.
The other meltdowns were averted, and this is what we did:
-Unloading the car: we asked for help but did not demand or expect it (I knew I didn't have the energy to facilitate cooperation, so I lowered my expectations).
The boys ended up bringing in a few things.
My oldest actually completely took care of getting his pet and all of her stuff out and getting her settled. Phew!
-Fixing lunch: I offered choices, but one claimed he wasn't hungry.
I didn't push it.
Again, I knew my limits, and lowered my expectations.
I could have had a nice snuggle while talking to him about the importance of eating, etc., but I did not have it in me.
So, I simply said that we'd be leaving for grandma's in 20 minutes, and he needed to eat before we left.
I also offered to let him eat on the ride over.
That's what he chose.
-Dealing with the 'what are we doing today?', showering, and church issues:
When I was asked what we were going to do today, I mentioned that I thought we could go to grandma and papa's and go swimming.
I suggested that they take a shower after swimming, then we'd go to church, and then they'd have the rest of the night to eat dinner and watch a family movie; and they wouldn't even have to take a bath because it would already be done!
They were not as enthusiastic about that as I was hoping (other than the going swimming at grandma and papa's part), but it helped nonetheless.
I had saved my energy for the showering/church discussions because I knew those were the things that they least wanted to do.
I had to practice a lot of compassion:
"I know it is disappointing when you need to do something you don't feel like doing."
And, "I get sad and frustrated when I have to do things I don't want to do, too."
I had in my mind acceptable options and kept repeating them to the boys after I validated their feelings.
-As for the DVD: I cleaned it.
And then I sat between the boys to help defuse the 'meanness' (according to each, the other was being mean. Since I knew they were both raw and just ready for bed, I didn't think we needed to get to the nitty gritty of who started it and what it was about. They both just needed to be comforted and not accused or shamed. So, that's what I did. The sadness was short-lived, and the movie went on without further incident).
The key to not yelling for me was to be conscious and aware of where we all were and to make reasonable accommodations.
I had to be gentle with myself (by lowering my expectations),
and I had to be even gentler with the boys because they were dealing with all the same feelings as I was,
but they are just kids and just learning;
and they needed my and my husband's help to handle all those feelings.
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2023 reflection: One thing that I didn't continually acknowledge (because I didn't realize it at the time) was that all of the above -
not losing it,
coming up with a plan,
feeling peace,
knowing my limits,
understanding my children's limits,
not yelling,
being able to remain calm,
being gentle with myself and my kids -
all of that was due to the grace of God.
I could not have done any of that (especially just one year in to discovering this way of parenting) were it not for the Lord's generous mercy and grace.
He is so Good. All of the time.
May Christ's Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕
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