I came to peaceful parenting a bit later in my parenting journey (when my boys were about 9 and 5), so I sometimes like to share scenarios and compare how I used to handle things to how I handle things now that I’ve discovered peaceful parenting.
The following scenario was from 2014, about 2 years into my peaceful parenting journey...
My 11 yo had made some choices that resulted in missing out on family fun over the weekend, and this filled him with regret.
Then (pre-peaceful parenting):
I used to focus so much on my son’s behavior instead of getting to the issue/feeling that was causing the behavior.
Therefore, in the past, he would have started 'acting out' in ways that many strong-willed kiddos do.
He would have been short with us,
back-talked,
picked fights with his brother,
and then he would have blamed everyone else for everything that went wrong.
When approached, he would have been defensive and told me everything I had done to cause the day to be bad.
For my part, I would have lectured him about how he had made the choices he made and that he can't undo what he did.
I would have explained that there are consequences for choices.
Things would have escalated.
There would have been yelling and door slamming and maybe even throwing of things.
And those behaviors would also have had consequences.
It would have ended up with everyone feeling bad all night (and we would not have gotten to the heart of the issue).
Now (2 years in to my peaceful parenting journey):
After being peacefully parented for a couple of years, this 'strong-willed' boy is able to recognize what he is feeling and why he is feeling that way. He is receptive to me saying, "Hey buddy, you seem upset. Do you want to talk?"
He was able to tell me that he was feeling very bad about the choices he made over the weekend, and he felt like he wasted the whole weekend and wanted to start it all over. I empathized with how much that stunk, and I mentioned that I could relate.
When he was done expressing how he felt, I was able to explain that what he was feeling was regret. I explained about my own struggles with regret and how it led me to dwell on things.
I mentioned that not too long ago, I learned to forgive myself when I made poor choices (after apologizing and making amends if needed).
I explained that every moment was an opportunity to choose to move forward and not dwell on past mistakes.
He nodded in understanding and then asked what he should do now.
I mentioned that there was still time for a family game if he wanted to get in a little family fun.
He agreed, and that is what we did.
Later on, the boys and I played a different game, and we ended up having a really great, fun night.
And I felt reconnected to both boys.
Things were much better (and more peaceful) than they could have been.
And we got to the heart of the issue.
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This post illuminates the huge shift in perspective I had at some point in those two years -
I had shifted from viewing my boy’s behavior as something I needed to fix through choosing the right consequences
to knowing that behavior is communication and that my boy was acting out because he felt off.
I saw him as needing my help, not as pushing my buttons.
That was a HUGE shift in perspective for me.
Having a bit more peaceful parenting experience under my belt, the current me would have probably done a couple of things a little differently than I did in 2014 (though, by the grace of God, 2014 me did a great job!).
I empathize and actively listen A LOT longer now.
I do a lot less explaining and solution offering,
and I do a lot more facilitating my kids to come up with their own solutions.
For example, in response to my son asking what he should do now, I would probably facilitate him to come up with ideas instead of offering my solution.
I might say something like, “What do you think you could do?”
Then I’d help him think through and problem solve it on his own.
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May Christ’s Peace be with you 💕🙏💕
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