[I came to peaceful parenting a bit later in my parenting journey (when my boys were about 9 and 5), so I sometimes like to share scenarios and compare how I used to handle things to how I handle things now that I’ve discovered peaceful parenting. The following scenario was from 2014, about 2 years or so into our peaceful parenting journey.]
THE SITUATION: I hear my 7 yo screaming at my 11 yo for having hit him “for no reason.”
Then (pre-peaceful parenting): I probably would have scolded the 11 yo for hitting his brother and told him that we don't hit.
If he argued/talked back, I probably would have sent him to his room.
This probably would have led to him getting very angry and yelling at me, which would have resulted in my yelling back.
I would have threatened to call our friends and cancel our day at the water park we had planned.
He would have eventually gone to his room and probably slammed the door and kicked a few things along the way.
It would have been horrible and would have ruined the day.
Thankfully none of that happened.
Now (what did happen; 2 years into our peaceful parenting journey): I went to my 7 yo since he was the most upset, and I asked him to tell me what happened.
When my 11 yo started to interrupt, I gently assured him that he'd get a chance to tell me what happened when his brother was finished.
When my youngest was done, I asked my oldest what happened.
After both boys had told their versions of what happened, I recited the story back to them, making sure to empathize with each boy.
They were both assured that I understood and that their feelings were valid.
I then asked my 11 yo when it is okay to hit. He responded, "In self defense. But I needed his attention and he wasn't listening to me."
I asked of there was another way he could have gotten his brother’s attention.
My 11 yo said that he had tried talking to his brother, but the 7 yo wouldn't listen. I pointed out that that might have been a good time to just take a step back and give his brother some space instead of hitting him.
He agreed, and then he apologized to the 7yo, who accepted the apology.
No further escalation.
No upset mama.
Peace restored.
They are back to being best buds.
Relationship repaired.
———————-
2023 reflection: It can be so hard not to jump to conclusions and to just react instead of helping with conflict resolution.
This can be made even harder when we haven’t healed from childhood hurts and thus feel a bit triggered when there are fights between our kids.
Personally, I had to reflect and investigate my own biases. Being the youngest myself, I found that my instinct was to ‘side with’ and ‘defend’ my youngest. This fed into my oldest’s habit of trying to justify his actions or somehow deflecting responsibility. That was also a trigger for me.
In the above scenario, I was only able to empathize and listen to both boys’ perspectives because God had put it on my heart to investigate the feelings that came up for me when they fought and to sit with and work through those feelings.
I was then given the grace to be present with my boys, to listen earnestly, and to empathize because I wasn’t dealing with past feelings that came up for me.
If we don’t heal from past hurts, they can interfere with our ability to be present and to help our kids walk through conflict resolution.
For more on helping with conflict resolution and problem solving, see my post, 'Why can't they just get along?! (Conflict Resolution: How to Help With Problem Solving).' https://www.catholicpeacefulparent.com/post/why-can-t-they-just-get-along-conflict-resolution-how-to-help-with-problem-solving
For more on triggers (eg when a behavior causes us to feel very angry/hurt/frustrated very quickly), see the post: Triggers! What are they? What does it mean to be triggered? And how do we tame them? https://www.catholicpeacefulparent.com/post/triggers-what-are-they-what-does-it-mean-to-be-triggered-and-how-do-we-tame-them
May Christ’s Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕