SCENARIO: I was tired because I didn't sleep well, and I had procrastinated my work so much that stress was creeping in. Not a good start to the day. Then, the first thing I said to my 10 yo was met by a sassy, disrespectful tone. It wasn’t so much the words he said as it was the tone in which he said them.
Then (pre-peaceful parenting): Old me would have called him out on the tone in an accusatory fashion. Things would have fallen apart from there.
Now (a year into our peaceful parenting journey): A more peaceful me went to the kitchen to pour some coffee and clear my head for a minute.
I reminded myself that I needed to connect with him before I corrected him so that he didn't feel attacked.
So, I came back to my oldest and calmly acknowledged that he was correct, and then I added in a gentle tone, "I didn't like the way you said that; it didn't sound very respectful. Do you think you can speak to me more kindly?"
To my pleasant surprise he said, "Okay. I'll try."
And, he did try. Everything he said that day (to both his brother and me) was kind and sweet.
This was a breakthrough - I was able to correct him without making him feel bad even though I was exhausted!
7/4/21 reflection: I was going through some things that I wrote when I was first transitioning to peaceful parenting, and I came across this from May 2013, which was in the first year of my switch from traditional parenting. It might be my first kind of Then & Now writing. I love the journey I was on, and I am reflecting back on that time and what I could have done differently and why I wasn’t able to yet.
First, I respect and admire the work past me was putting in, especially given how complicated and stressful her life was at that time. Her mom was in the final few months of her life (though past me didn’t know that at the time). Her mom had stage 4 breast cancer, and the treatments were harsh and ever-changing because they’d stop working.
Past me was helping as much as she could and spending a good amount of time with her parents while working and homeschooling her kiddos.
Changing her parenting style was a challenge.
Her oldest was 10 at that time, and past me had started the transition to peaceful parenting less than a year earlier, so punishments and yelling were not the distant past.
It wasn’t always safe for her oldest to express himself.
What stands out for me in what past me has written here is that she was still pretty behavior focused.
I love the awareness of her own unmet needs and how that stress was going to make the day a bit more challenging.
That awareness is probably what allowed her to be cognizant enough to center herself and calm herself before addressing her boy.
The one step further that she was not aware of at the time was that she needed to tame that trigger.
She needed to reflect on how sassiness was dealt with when she was a child.
She needed to journal that,
let the feelings of little Meg arise,
sit with that,
and give little Meg compassion and love.
Awareness of her tone was good,
and getting close while being gentle was good.
What she missed in this interaction was to address the why behind her boy’s tone.
She couldn’t do that because she was caught up in her own feelings that his behavior triggered.
If that trigger had been tamed, she would have been able to say something like, “Hey buddy, I noticed you were a bit snappish in your response to me earlier. I’m wondering what’s up?”
She could have then helped him with whatever was causing him to feel off rather than asking him to change his behavior without addressing the why behind his behavior.
Past me had no idea how transformative the peaceful parenting path would be for her and for the relationship with her oldest.
It took courage for her to have faith that this path was going to be a good one.
I wish I could show her how things are now so that she would be assured that what she is doing,
the work she is putting in,
is worth it.
I wish she could know that parenting this boy through his teen years was easy
and that he confides in her
and trusts her
and shows her love and respect every day.
—————
2024 Reflection…
God is so good! He met me where I was every step of the journey.
Even when I didn’t remember to pray,
Even when I didn’t remember to give Him glory,
He still met me.
He still met my needs.
And He still gave me the grace to do the next right thing.
How much easier and faster the journey would have been had I prayed without ceasing and allowed the Holy Spirit to guide me!
Yet, the Lord still met me where I was,
Even though I didn’t remember to pray before all interactions,
Even though I didn’t give Him glory for the progress I made.
He still met me.
God is so good!
All the time.
May Christ’s Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕
[I came to peaceful parenting a bit later in my parenting journey (when my boys were about 9 and 5), so I sometimes like to share scenarios and compare how I used to handle things to how I handle things now that I’ve discovered peaceful parenting. The scenario referenced was from 2013, about 1 year into our peaceful parenting journey.]
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