[I came to peaceful parenting a bit later in my parenting journey (when my boys were about 9 and 5), so I sometimes like to share scenarios and compare how I used to handle things to how I handle things now that I’ve discovered peaceful parenting. The following scenario was from early 2013, about 6 months or so into our peaceful parenting journey.]
THE SITUATION: This morning there was a conflict between the boys. My 6 yo wouldn't play the game my 10 yo wanted to play, and I found my 10 yo beginning to lose it and my 6 yo quietly sulking on the futon.
Then (pre-peaceful parenting): I probably would have walked into the room and asked "What's going on?"
My 10 yo would have said, "[6 yo] won't play Power Rangers with me! He says it is his birthday and he doesn't have to play!"
I would have said that it was true, his younger brother didn't have to play.
My 10 yo would have cried, "But I really want him to!"
Then I would have likely said something like, "Criminy, son, you are 10 years old, why on earth are you crying about this?"
My 10 yo would have likely proceeded to get more unglued, which would have gotten my anxiety up. I would have tried to explain that they don't always have to play what the 10 yo wants to play, and that the 6 yo should get to decide sometimes.
This would have resulted in my 10 yo becoming disrespectful and trying to shout over me as my voice raised.
Finally, I would have sent him to his room to chill out.
More than likely, he would have been in there for an extended period of time because he wouldn't have been able to get over it, and my 6 yo would have continued sulking.
Now (~6 months into peaceful parenting journey): Because I could tell that the conflict was escalating and my 10 yo was begging and whining, I went in the room and said, "It sounds like you guys are having a disagreement. What's going on, [10 yo]?"
My 10 yo: "I recognized that [6 yo] didn't want to play anymore, so I told him we would play just one more round, and I would win of course. And then we could play something else."
Me: "So, [6 yo], you don't want to play any more?"
My 6 yo: "I just don't want to play it today. I'll play it tomorrow."
My 10 yo: "But I really want to play!! It's just one round. Please [6 yo], please, please!"
Me: "[10 yo], he said he doesn't want to play. Is it okay to force him?"
My 10 yo: "No. But I really want to play, and I feel like forcing him!!"
Me: "Well, that is not okay. We shouldn't force people to do things they don't want to do. [6 yo], is there any circumstance that would make you want to play? What if you got to be the one who wins?"
My 6 yo: "No. I just don't want to play."
My 10 yo (on the verge of losing control, which in the past would have caused me to start losing my temper): "But why? I have to know why?"
My 6 yo: "I just don't want to."
My 10 yo: "That's not a good enough reason."
Me: "It's the reason he is giving. [10 yo], it sounds like you are really disappointed that [6 yo] doesn't want to play, and I get that. I wish people would do what I wanted them to do all the time, too. But it doesn't always work out that way. Is there another game you'd be willing to play right now?"
My 10 yo: "No!"
My 10 yo then sulked out of the house to tend the chickens. He returned a couple of minutes later on his own accord, and I heard him apologize to his brother and offer to help him decorate the house with birthday banners. The 6 yo perked up and cheerfully agreed.
And me?
No raised temper.
No anxiety.
Peace returned.
Happy mama.
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2023 reflection: At the time of this situation, I hadn't had a lot of practice with assisting with problem solving, and my kids hadn't had a lot of opportunity to practice problem solving. So, I was still in the mindset of coming up with solutions instead of helping my kids come up with solutions.
Also, empathy was not yet my default response, so I tended to get a little lecture-y instead of earnestly listening; listening until the kids felt heard.
For more on helping with conflict resolution and problem solving, see my post, 'Why can't they just get along?! (Conflict Resolution: How to Help With Problem Solving)' https://www.catholicpeacefulparent.com/post/why-can-t-they-just-get-along-conflict-resolution-how-to-help-with-problem-solving
May Christ's Peace be with you.
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