Triggers!
Also known as having our 'buttons pushed.'
Also known as behaviors that 'drive us crazy!'
What is a trigger?
As I am using the term, a trigger is something our kiddo says or does that causes us to yell/get red hot angry/feel suddenly anxious.
That fierce anger we feel when our kids do something/say something? That’s us being triggered.
When we feel our kiddo pushing our buttons? That’s us being triggered.
When we say our kiddo is driving us bananas? That’s us being triggered.
And being triggered?
That’s our body’s amazing way of letting us know there is something there that needs attention (God is so Good, and we are miraculously created!).
Triggers are a way God allows our children to show us some of our unresolved issues.
Our body's reaction is our cue that the behavior is touching on something within us that needs a little attention.
The trigger or 'button pushing' is showing us an unresolved issue from our past, usually our childhood.
Oftentimes, that unresolved issue is connected to the very behavior the child is exhibiting that is causing us to see red or to yell.
The good news is that our dear Lord loves us so much, He not only equips us with these signals, He also equips us with the ability to tame our triggers.
But taming triggers is hard.
Even if we don’t have deep hurts, taming triggers is hard. And it takes time and emotional energy.
When we have backgrounds of big, traumatic hurts, it’s even harder. We may need help healing those huge hurts from our own childhood.
And that is okay.
It is worth investing in that help because healing those hurts opens us up to be more present today with our kids.
Healing those hurts tames those triggers.
Praise God there are more and more Catholic mental health providers who understand the importance of prayer and faith in the healing process.
Why do triggers need to be tamed?
Taming triggers allows us to be present and to be able to help our kiddos when they are having a hard time rather than viewing our kiddos as giving us a hard time.
Once our triggers are tamed, we won’t have big reactions to our children’s behavior; and we’ll be able to help them deal with the big feelings that are causing the off behavior.
We’ll be able to nurture them through compassion and empathy,
and that reconnection will help them feel better.
And when they feel better, they will be able to do better.
Just like we grown-ups do better when we feel better.
What does it look like to tame a trigger?
I'll give an example from my own life....
It took me a long time to explore my triggers because I was certain that there wouldn’t be a connection to my childhood.
But somewhere along my peaceful parenting journey, I began to realize that when I had a disproportionate reaction to my boys' behavior, that was a light being shined on an unresolved issue from my childhood.
At first, I hesitated to investigate that because I had a great childhood and very loving and supportive parents.
I felt like I was almost disrespecting my parents (and being ungrateful) by reflecting on how certain things made me feel as a child.
Eventually I began to understand that it wasn't disrespectful to take a closer look and to admit that my parents could have handled certain things differently.
It was okay for me to acknowledge that they did make mistakes, just as I make mistakes with my boys.
Seeking understanding is different than condemning and blaming.
I wasn't condemning them or trying to blame them.
I just wanted to understand me,
and I wanted to be a better mom to my kids than I was being.
And it was okay that I was doing things a little differently - when we know better, we do better.
Once I accepted that, I was able to explore my triggers more, and I was able to nurture the little girl in me.
Specifically, backtalk used to cause me to go from calm to seeing red, yelling, and intimidating my son.
Prayerful reflection allowed me to remember that 'sassiness' and 'disrespect' were not tolerated by my parents.
My parents' reactions to those types of behaviors left me feeling scared, sad, abandoned, disappointed, alone.
Upon remembering this, I journaled about a specific event, and the tears started to fall.
Those were very healing tears.
I didn't try to stop them.
I didn't try to defend my parents and say "well, I shouldn't have disrespected my mom."
I just let myself be very sad and scared and disappointed.
I allowed myself to feel all of it.
And I was compassionate to the little girl in me.
By the grace of God, all of that was extremely helpful in taming the backtalk trigger.
If my relationship to the Lord had been deeper at the time, I would have laid all of what I was feeling at the foot of the Cross in Adoration. I would have asked that the Lord join that pain and those hurts to His sacrifice on the Cross so that it could be transformed into redemptive suffering.
I would have allowed the Lord and His mother to comfort and guide me as I comforted the little girl in me.
And God is so Good and His grace so abundant that after this big offloading of emotions, backtalk didn't bother me anymore.
The very next time my son talked back, I was able to stay calm and focused on his heart and figure out the why behind his behavior.
My own backlog of feelings was no longer interfering with my ability to stay present and focused on his heart.
From then on, I was able to see backtalk as I did other behavior - as communication.
I realized that son didn't backtalk if he was feeling good and connected.
The backtalk was a sign that he was feeling off/disconnected/etc.
Without the backlog of big feelings, backtalk was not longer a trigger for me, and that allowed me to help my boy instead of reacting to him.
Praise God!
May Christ's Peace be with you 💕🙏💕