Sometimes people will ask things like, “What should be the natural consequence for xyz?”
The natural consequence is what happens without you doing anything:
Child didn’t wear a jacket -> natural consequence is that they are cold
Child broke the remote -> natural consequence is that it is broken and doesn’t work
Child hit their sibling -> natural consequence is that the relationship is tense/strained/more disconnected
Most of the time when people ask, “What should be the natural consequence for xyz?”, what they really want to know is what imposed consequence should they do.
They want to know what they can do to make sure the child knows they did something wrong and hopefully won’t do it again.
The thing is, imposed consequences aren’t all that effective.
They create more tension and distance between parent and child, which usually doesn’t improve until connection is re-established.
Imposed consequences also often lead to kiddos learning to sneak and/or lie so that they don’t get caught.
And that isn’t what we want as parents.
I think most of us want our children to take responsibility for their mistakes, apologize, and make amends when appropriate.
So, what is a more effective way to help our children when their behavior falls short of our expectations?
Addressing the why behind the behavior.
And how do we do that?
Connecting first and approaching with curiosity.
Let’s take a look at what that might look like with the examples from above….
Child didn’t wear a jacket and got cold ->
Connect first: We can empathize with their feelings of regret and being cold. That’s probably all we need to do. Next time, the kiddo will probably choose to wear the jacket.
Approach with curiosity: If they don’t choose to wear a jacket the next time it is cold, we can mention that today’s weather is just like last week’s when they were cold.
Child broke the remote ->
Connect first: We can get down to their level, with a gentle hand on their shoulder, and we can empathize with the disappointment of having made a mistake.
Approach with curiosity: If the remote was thrown out of anger, we can empathize with the anger, investigate what led to the anger, and help the kiddo with that. We can reflect on and share what we do when we make mistakes (eg When I’ve made a mistake and broken something, I have found that apologizing and making amends by replacing the object tends to help).
Hit a sibling ->
Connect first: After comforting and making sure the sibling is okay, we can empathize with the anger and inquire about the why.
Approach with curiosity: We can listen earnestly with the goal that the child feel heard. We can do the same with the other child. We can problem solve together what could be done instead in a similar situation in the future. We can mention what we do when you make mistakes (eg apologize and make amends).
Children feel bad when they misstep.
We don’t need to impose consequences to make them feel worse and cause more disconnect with us.
We need to help them develop the skills to avoid those missteps in the future.
We do that through
connection,
empathy,
modeling,
problem solving,
and kindness.
May Christ’s Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕