When we hold loving limits
or when disappointments happen
or when our kiddos are exhausted/hungry/frustrated…
tears and tantrums can occur.
That is normal.
And it is okay.
Although it may not feel okay at the time.
When a kiddo has a disproportionate reaction to a gentle loving limit…
(e.g., when something like “I hear that you’d really like a treat now. It is nearly dinner time, so you may have the treat after dinner” is met with a tantrum)
….that is a sign that he has some big feelings he needs to offload.
If you think about it, kiddos have a lot to take on every day -
they get told what to do most of the time.
Little ones, especially, might be told...
what to wear,
what to eat,
when to brush teeth,
where to go,
when to go,
what not to do (no videos, no tv, no hitting, no throwing, no yelling, etc).
And bigger kids... are asked to sit still in school much of the day,
are told what to study and when,
are told how to spend most of their time during the day.
They don't get to make many decisions,
they can't express their feelings in a lot of places,
they are learning new skills that stretch their brains and their physical abilities,
they have pressures from school
and sports
and parents.
They may be dealing with outright or subtle bullying,
they may be dealing with outright or subtle shaming,
they may be dealing with outright or subtle comparisons,
and more.
These types of things can be difficult for adults to handle,
and we have been on the earth for decades!
Imagine how hard it must be for kiddos who have only been on earth for 2, 3, 4, 5, 8, 10 years!
So, big feelings build up.
And sometimes kiddos need to offload those big feelings.
And, guess what, parents?
We are their safe place to do that.
So, we set our gentle limit,
and a tantrum ensues.
But those tantrums aren't inherently bad.
I know that is a hard thing to believe because we may have been taught that tantrums are a sign of a ‘spoiled, bratty’ child,
but let’s look at it from a different perspective for a moment...
We are miraculously made by God.
He created our bodies to be able to sense the tension created by the build up of big feelings.
And He created the ability to offload that tension.
In addition to praying, healthy adults might...
journal,
vent to a friend,
exercise,
and/or have a good cry.
Likewise, our children need ways to offload their build up of big feelings.
And sometimes that offload happens in the form of a tantrum.
If we try to stop the tantrum,
or distract,
or punish the tears,
or if the tantrum is stopped short for other reasons,
then the child doesn't get the full benefit of the healing tears,
and another tantrum will show up again soon.
And that next tantrum will probably be a bit bigger than the first because the kiddo is not only expressing upset about the current thing,
but he is also offloading the backlog from earlier.
On the other hand, we can help our kiddos if we stay lovingly present and don't leave the child alone with his big feelings (i.e. don't put him in time out to deal with those big feelings alone).
We can be a safe place for our kiddos to fully offload those big feelings and get those healing tears.
What does staying lovingly present during a tantrum look like?
It might be listening words like…
“I'm here."
“I hear you."
“I see you are upset."
It might be empathic words like…
“it is hard when you can't have what you want right now, isn't it?"
“Waiting is hard!”
“It’s disappointing, eh?”
“I feel sad when xyz, too.”
It might be empathic actions like...
Staying close.
Giving a hug if the child wants a hug,
If he hits, we can create space without leaving.
Offloading the big feelings will likely take longer than we think it should,
but we can stay anyway.
We don't have to fix it for the child.
We just need to be there for the child so he can fully offload those feelings.
Fully offload.
But what about when tantrums happen in public?
What about teaching children how to deal with disappointments?
Doesn't staying lovingly present reward and reinforce 'bad behavior'? (Nope!)
One thing to remember is that there is a time and place for teaching other coping mechanisms.
That time and place is not in the heat of the moment of the tantrum.
When a kiddo is having a tantrum, they can’t even access their thinking brain.
They are stuck in their feeling brain.
They need help shifting from the feeling brain to the thinking brain.
And that shift is best done through empathy.
And warmth.
Empathy beyond our words;
empathy and warmth that encompass our tone and body language.
Teaching coping mechanisms can be done at a connected, neutral time,
possibly through play.
Examples:
Maybe the parent and child could play through different scenarios on handling disappointment, either role playing or using toys.
Maybe the parent and child could discuss some options for the kiddo to do when disappointed in public.
Then they could role play different scenarios so the kiddo can practice.
Practicing these strategies at neutral times through play allows the parent to connect with empathy (“It’s disappointing, huh?”) and then communicate (“I want to help you with that, but I can’t right now. Let’s do xyz that we practiced, and I will help you when we get to the car.”) in the heat of the moment.
A great way to help prevent major meltdowns in public places is to set the kiddo up for success.
That may look like…
regularly allowing feelings to be fully expressed so there isn’t a big backlog,
being sure tummies are full and kiddos are well-rested before heading out,
addressing any sensory needs before going,
being aware of overstimulation,
being aware of our own state; our kiddos are so attuned to us that they pick up on when we are off, and it affects them, too.
The most important thing we can do is pray.
Praying is especially important if we feel anxious or worried or overstimulated ourselves.
We can offer those feelings up to God and ask Him to give us what we need to make it through that moment.
He wants us to turn to Him, to lean on Him, to trust in Him.
May Christ's Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕