In short, peaceful parenting is the sweet spot between authoritarian/punitive parenting (eg yelling, nagging, punishing) and permissive parenting (letting kiddos do whatever whenever with no guidance).
But, before I go into more depth as to what peaceful parenting is, I want to go over a couple of things that peaceful parenting is not:
it is not permissive parenting,
and it is not perfect parenting.
Peaceful parenting is NOT permissive parenting.
What a relief it was to discover that there was a happy medium between authoritarian (punishment- and reward-based) parenting and permissive parenting!
I felt uncomfortable parenting with punishments or even rewards, but I also didn't want my kids to 'walk all over' me.
Permissive parenting lacks boundaries and limits,
but peaceful parenting incorporates reasonable boundaries and loving limits.
For example: Let’s say a family has a rule that there are no sweets before dinner…
The permissive parent might first deny but then give in to the demand for the cookie.
In contrast, the peaceful parent might empathize and hold the limit.
It might look something like this:
The peaceful parent says, "I hear that you want the yummy cookie. You may have one after dinner."
This 'no wrapped in a yes' may be hard for the kiddo who really wants that cookie to hear.
As the tears start to flow and the big feelings start to bubble up, the peaceful parent might get down to the kiddo's level, put her arm around him and say,
"It is hard to wait, isn't it? I have a hard time waiting, too."
What the child hears in his heart is:
"I hear you. I understand. I am like you. And I will be here for you through these tough feelings."
Peaceful parenting also is NOT perfect parenting.
The perfect parent doesn't raise his voice.
The perfect parent always remembers to connect first.
The perfect parent does not mumble under her breath.
The perfect parent doesn't roll his eyes or audibly sigh.
The perfect parent always keeps it together and says and does the 'right' thing.
No, the peaceful parent is not perfect.
The peaceful parent is human, and he makes mistakes.
The peaceful parent loses her temper at times.
The peaceful parent gets exasperated.
The peaceful parent sometimes kicks a toy across the room.
Occasionally, the peaceful parent is preoccupied and half-listens.
From time to time, the peaceful parent neglects empathy and, instead, makes a bossy demand.
The peaceful parent missteps.
But, after each of these missteps,
the Catholic peaceful parent takes a deep breath,
she prays,
she goes to her child,
she gets down to his level,
and she apologizes.
The peaceful parent owns his mistakes and makes amends.
The peaceful parent knows that each moment is an opportunity,
an opportunity to choose love.
No matter what happened yesterday or this morning or 2 minutes ago,
every moment is a new opportunity to choose to act differently,
to choose compassion over frustration,
to choose to take a breath and apologize over stewing in guilt and regret,
to choose love over anger.
And the Catholic peaceful parent takes it one step further…
the Catholic peaceful parent prays.
So, what IS peaceful parenting? And what is it from a Catholic perspective?
Peaceful parenting is about relationships - it is our relationships with our kiddos that help them navigate this world.
Similarly, as Catholics, it is our relationship with Jesus that helps us navigate this world as we journey toward Heaven.
Peaceful parenting is about connection - it is our connection with our kiddos that will facilitate cooperation.
Likewise, as Catholics, our connection with our dear Lord facilitates our cooperation with His will.
Peaceful parenting is about communication - spoken and unspoken, as behavior is communication.
As Catholics, we know that God is always listening to our communication - through our prayers and our actions.
Peaceful parenting is about addressing the heart - the issue/need/desire behind the behavior.
As Catholics, we've learned that Jesus addressed people’s hearts when He called them to follow Him, and He continues to address our hearts today.
Peaceful parenting is about respect - and respect begets respect.
As Catholics, we see that God treats us with respect.
Peaceful parenting is about maintaining a peaceful heart amid the chaos of life - life can be crazy, and peaceful parenting doesn’t necessarily prevent kiddos from needing to offload big feelings, but it does give us tools to deal with the chaos.
Similarly, the Catholic Church gives us tools (from the Mass to the many types of prayers, from the Bible to the sacraments and traditions) to deal with the chaos of the world.
Peaceful parenting is about self-care - it helps us learn about and reduce our triggers (things that make us go from being okay to seeing seeing red), and it helps us realize the importance of filling our own cups so that we can be there for our family and help fill their cups.
Our dear Lord gave us these amazing bodies that let us know when something needs attention (feeling triggered), and, as Catholics, we know we can come to Him in prayer to offer up our struggles and to lean on Him.
Peaceful parenting is a way of life - it is learning to treat everyone with compassion and respect, not just our kiddos. And that includes ourselves.
As Catholics, we know that we’ve been given perfect examples of how to live this way - Jesus and His mother.
Peaceful parenting is a journey. We will fall short from time to time.
We aren’t perfect;
but...
we can seek the Holy Spirit’s guidance,
we can admit mistakes,
we can make amends,
and we can endeavor to be who God created us to be.
And, I whole-heartedly believe He created me to be a peaceful parent.
And, I'm guessing that if you are reading this, you believe He created you to be a peaceful parent, too.
May Christ’s Peace be with you.
💕🙏💕