Why can’t they just get along?! (Conflict Resolution: How to Help With Problem Solving)

Fighting! Sibling rivalry! Arguments! Hurt feelings! Yelling! Crying! Ugh! 😩

Why can't they just get along? Because they haven't learned how to manage their emotions and how to problem solve when they have conflicts.

Truth is, a lot of adults have trouble with those two things!

Humans who have only been here a few years can be given a bit of grace. The good news is that we can help decrease the arguments, hurt feelings, yelling, and crying by helping our kids learn to resolve conflicts.

Pre-peaceful parenting, some of the things I used to do when the boys fought:

I sent them to separate rooms, saying "I don't care who started it."

I’d point out who was at fault.

I’d tell them what they did wrong to escalate the fight and what they should have done instead.

These things were well-meaning on my part but ineffective.

At one point, I changed my tactic (I think it was after reading 'How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Your kids Will Talk', but I'm not positive).

I started going to the room the boys were in, approaching the boy who was most upset, putting my arm around him, and saying something like, "whoa, buddy, you sound awfully upset."

This would usually open the floodgates of every wrong his brother did since waking that morning.

That naturally led to the other boy trying to talk over the first in order to let me know all the first's transgressions.

I would gently tell the second boy, "I promise you, I will listen to your point of view when your brother is finished."

And when the first boy finished, I'd ask the second his point of view (and if the first interrupted, I'd assure him that I had heard him when he had spoken).

After both boys said their 'side,' I'd say something like, "[First son], I hear that you are upset about abc. And [Second son], I hear you saying xyz. Is that right?"

Then I'd listen to any clarifications.

Once both boys felt that I heard and understood them, I'd ask them how they thought the situation could be resolved.

And we’d problem solve together.

I’d ask things like:

“So, how can we resolve this?”

“What are some options here?”

“How can I help?”

“What do you need to happen?”

And I’d let them talk it through and discover their own solutions. Sometimes I would need to help with clarification or to make sure each felt heard by the other.

This worked surprisingly well (with the best and fastest results happening when I remembered to pray something like, “Come, Holy Spirit. Please guide all my words, thoughts, and actions” prior to entering and speaking)!

And quite frankly, the boys' solutions were generally better than any solutions I was coming up with in my own mind.

Maybe you are thinking that this tactic sounds too time-consuming.

I get that. It does take time at first.

When I first started helping my boys with conflict resolution, I lamented about how much time and effort it took to earnestly listen to both boys and then reflect back what I heard and then to facilitate problem solving.

Exhausting!

But, let's reflect on how time-consuming and emotionally draining it is to break up fights and punish kids.

Very time-consuming!

And very draining!

Prior to peaceful parenting, I had been spending a ton of time...

refereeing,

lecturing,

punishing,

and cleaning up the aftermath (including the emotional mess I’d cause my kids and myself when I exploded).

In addition to the time, there was all the anger and hurt feelings.

So, I realized that it really took no more time to help with conflict resolution than it did to get upset and punish.

And, I realized that my efforts to help them resolve things was really an investment.

And that investment has paid out huge!

My kids learned how to problem solve and think through their differences. In short order, they didn’t even need me to step in as moderator anymore!

And by the time they were teens, they never needed help with conflict resolution because they were skilled in problem solving conflicts on their own.

As my Then & Now posts on this topic show, it takes time and practice to be able to help facilitate problem solving instead of lecturing and giving our own solutions.

Thankfully, our kids give us plenty of opportunity to practice! 😆

But the time and effort we put in is so worth it!

May Christ's Peace be with you.

💕🙏💕